I Saw Sparks

The birth of Flynn in August of 2016 was and continues to be one of the most redemptive moments of my life after so much darkness. When we first fell pregnant with Flynn a month after Trey passed, it was a whirlwind of emotions. I know for a fact that quite a few people close to our family thought it was a bad idea for our emotional and physical states. I would be lying if there was not a small part of me that didn’t share that concern. But the hope that this seedling had sprouted inside of me was enough to push through my fear of loss and personal limitations. And day by day, it continued to grow. There were many weeks (OK, most weeks) that I sat on my therapist’s couch covered in wadded tissue paper asking her how I could possibly love another child the way I loved my firstborn. She smiled in that way that all mothers of multiple children do and said softly, “You will. You’ll see.” I was worried that I would constantly compare Flynn to Trey and Trey to Flynn. And guess what? I can’t. There’s nothing to compare. They are each their own. Apples and oranges. However, it should be noted that when Flynn was born he was the spitting image of his big brother. Almost eerily so. This lasted about a month until he so fully came into his own that it now seems but a fleeting memory. But boy was it beautiful…How often do we get to see the faces of loved ones gone and passed? I will always treasure that glimmer of time where I got to see glimpses of my eldest boy. I had a scheduled induction for Flynn’s delivery at 39 weeks for chronic, debilitating contractions and a lovely pelvic condition called SPD ( seriously, it’s worth a google. At the height of my “disability”, I was crawling up the ramp from my driveway to my front door because I couldn’t walk!) Turns out, there’s really no such thing as a scheduled induction. They fit you in when they can fit you in. You basically wake up every morning, wait by the phone and wonder if today is going to be the day you’re going to have a baby. Ya, know, like back in the stone ages. After 5 reschedules, WE GOT THE CALL! It was August 13th at 5pm. Bags packed, ready to go. My husband Chris and my stepmom Gay were in tow and by my side the entire time in the birth room. They kept it very chill. Gay had been working on my birthing playlist for months, which we played over her Bose speaker. It was perfect. I made sure to have her add a song that caught my ear one day I was lying in bed feeling sorry for myself watching the movie Wedding Crashers, nonetheless. “I Saw Sparks” by Coldplay. I decided to look it up and really listen to it. It was so beautiful, melodic, and sentimental that I wanted to dedicate it to Flynn, if only in my own mind. (Fun fact: the moment he was born, the song was playing!) I got my Pitocin to get labor moving around 8pm, got my epidural around 12am, started pushing around 4am and he was in my arms at 4:40am. It was one of the most magical moments of my life. It’s the stuff of music and poetry where words become redundant and ineffectual. So I guess all I can say is, “I saw sparks…”