The Things You'll Never Know But I Hoped You Would, A Letter To Flynn
- Taylor McNally
- Jan 12, 2018
- 4 min read
Dearest Flynn,
You’re going to be five months old tomorrow. It’s strange how time moves. It seems like a blink of an eye and an eternity simultaneously. It makes me so pleased to watch you grow. And oh, how you’ve grown. I can hardly believe my eyes! My big, beautiful boy. I so often hear mothers say, “I wish you could say small forever!” Sadly, I know better. I want to see you grow. It’s a privilege denied to many, including your brother, my son. He will never outgrow his clothes, try new food, or see the world to name a few, and that alone breaks my heart. However, after Trey died we made a pact as a family that we were going to live big enough for Trey (and that was even before YOU!) And boy, do you make us live BIG! Thank you for that.

So, there are a few things I’d like for you to know about your big brother that you’ll never know, but had hoped you would and from the horse’s mouth at that. Here it is:
1. Trey was my first true love. I didn’t know what love was until I met Trey. I didn’t know what loss was. Nor letting go. He made me who I am. He’s in my bones. I wouldn’t be your mother if it were not for your brother. That is a fact. And if I were to be by some twist of fate, I can assure you I would not be half the one you deserve. He has done that for you. For us. He is a way paver.
2. I know you hear me talk about this a lot, but I think it’s worth mentioning again that Trey is our great “Unifier”. He brought our family together in both celebration and grief. He was pure love. I’d like to think that the connections that I’ve made since his death that have been most meaningful and powerful for me (Jerene, this one’s for you, girl!) are proof that Trey’s soul, being so powerful, transcends time and space. I’d like to think that he’s right here with us guiding us all. I think he guides you, Flynn.
3. Which brings me to my next point. Flynn, I so badly wanted to give you a big brother. Not just any big brother…”Trey Brother”. I’m so sorry that he’s not here with us. I wish you could have met him, at the very least. But here’s the thing: I think he lives in you. Somewhere. Just like I think he lives in all of those he loves. And not only do I think he loves you, I think he chose you to be with us. I think you two know each other from some place, from some life, some time.
4. It never ceases to amaze me how different two babies can be from the same mother in the same year (practically). Your brother was (is) the COOLEST. Sorry, Flynn. The truth is the truth. He was on island time, mon. There should have been a Bob Marley song playing at all times in the background of his life. He was our little Buddha baby. He used to sleep with his pointer finger and thumb touching as though to be meditating. Even while he was awake, he’d just slowly observe whatever was going on with that big, wide softened glow. He was angelic, truly. Flynn, my sweet, alert, rambunctious baby boy…you are a true joy. Please do not misunderstand my words. But my God are you two so very different! And it’s a joy and a pleasure to know and see it all…I feel truly lucky in life.

5. I worry. I worry all the time about things I can’t control. I’m sorry for that. Please be patient and gentle with me but remind me when I’m being (truly) irrational. You just must understand that my heart has been forever shattered in a way that can only be described by those who have lived it. It is an undeliverable pain.
6. I can feel your brother shining down on us all. I can feel him watching you. It’s the greatest feeling as your mothers’. Sometimes I see you fixated on a corner of the wall, and while I don’t say anything, I know. I know it’s him watching you watching him. I hope you feel him too. I’m sure you do. Even if it’s just a peculiar, comforting feeling that you’re being protected and looked after. It’s just him. Loving you. Always trust that. He was and is pure love.
There is so much more I can’t wait to tell you. There’s so much more I want to say. But I think here is a good place to start. I love both of my boys more than you will ever know or imagine, but hope you can and will. I love you to the edges of the stars and whatever lies beyond that.
Always,
Mommy

Mommy and Trey, September 2016
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