Breastfeeding: The Most Natural Thing on Earth Can Be More Complicated Than You Could Possibly Ever

As I sit here to type this blog post, I am already wringing my hands in angst about where or even how to begin. My breastfeeding journey with Flynn was so beautiful, honest, ugly, hard, and full of love. Abrupt weaning is still a grief that I carry in my heart, however small. A traumatic ending to what had been the one true comfort that only I could provide as his mother. We both hurt.

So let's start from the top. Ha! Flynn was a breastfeeding champ. He came out of the womb ready to eat. I couldn't believe my eyes. (Trey couldn't be bothered.) Flynn was like an Olympian who had been training to do this for nine months. It was truly humbling to bear witness to Mother Nature’s wisdom and intelligence. I’ll never forget my Anatomy and Physiology instructor, Dr. Jasleen Mishra that once said, “If you do not believe in God, watch a woman have a baby and learn about how that whole process unfolds. It’s perfect.” I must say, I have to agree. The fact that the human body makes milk that is nutritionally perfect for that particular baby is astonishing in and of itself. As a woman, talk about feeling like a badass!

However, all of that changed and came to an abrupt halt around the middle of his second month. I have always struggled with anxiety, but the anxiety that I was feeling about life (about Flynn, particularly) after the loss of Trey was becoming unmanageable. I wasn’t feeling like myself. I sought help and made the painstakingly hard decision to discontinue breastfeeding and get back on my meds. (It’s Klonopin, ya Nosy Nancy. Now get on with it!) I will never forget sobbing in my pediatrician’s office while she double and triple checked Klonopin’s breastfeeding compatibility profile. Most medications are actually compatible with breastfeeding but with this particular one, she just couldn’t say yes. (And this is the one that has worked for me for the past ten years.) No one was going to take a chance on this child, and for that I am eternally grateful that he is double and triple checked over. It just so happened that this was also the day that they also found a heart murmur on Flynn (that was later confirmed to be benign just like his mommy’s by a pediatric cardiologist). Suffice to say that it was a defeating parenting day.

But then something funny happened that a lot of moms who discontinue breastfeeding can relate to, but perhaps don’t talk about out of fear of judgment: THE WORLD DIDN’T END! I felt no less bonded to my child. I just made sure to snuggle him a little closer when I knew he was looking for our special time. I gazed deeply into his eyes as I fed him his bottles (something I rarely did while breastfeeding, I’m sad to admit). And I felt better. I was becoming a better, more present mother. I almost couldn’t believe what a big deal I had made this in my mind. But this is not to minimize the sadness that I felt to longer be sharing that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of a bond that cannot really be duplicated nor described. But today, I’m grateful for the time that we did have instead of regretful for the time that we didn’t.

I’ll never forget watching a woman on Oprah who had lost all of her young daughters in a horrific accident. Oprah asked her if she had any regrets as a parent. The woman said that she regretted sweating the small stuff. She regretted never letting them not have any sugar or only eat organic foods. What did it matter, really? I guess that the point I’m trying to make is this: as parents, we could choose to stress ourselves silly about just about anything. There are so many choices. But if your child is clothed, fed, loved, and alive…you are truly one of the lucky ones. Bottom line: Do your best, and let the rest go. And if you happen to be a weaning breastfeeding mother, go ahead and get yourself the Baby Brezza, girl. You earned it.