What I Wish You Knew

Taylor, 

I wish I could go back in time to this day and tell you what I know now...

You were so scared. Scared to move forward in such a big way while never wanting to lose your grip on what (or rather, who)  set you on this path of being a mother. You were so brave to put your heart back on the line, leaping only to hope the net would appear. You didn't know what to expect or what you would feel. You only knew the love you had in your heart for your eldest. That was the only roadmap you set out on this path with. I wish I could tell you that's all you ever needed. 

I wish I could tell you that your heart had enough room for two. 

I wish I could tell you that loving one child so fully in the moment does not diminish your love for your other. If anything, it made it stronger, closer, and more substantial. 

I wish I could tell you that joy is about to be restored to your life and peace to your heart. Your arms will no longer ache so heavily. 

But from time to time, your heart will. And that's ok. You are not less of a mother for existing between two realms. In fact, that makes you remarkable. 

You will fall in love. Hard. And the weight of that love will scare you. You've loved this hard before and lost in just about the biggest way a person could lose. It's ok to be scared but it's also ok to be brave. It's ok (actually, imperative) for you to believe whole heartedly that you did not come this far to lose again. 

It's ok to compare Trey to Flynn and Flynn to Trey. They are brothers. It's fascinating and so beautiful to see the spectrum of what you're capable of creating in your hands. Trey will never feel as close to you as the day you greet his brother. (They know one another. They've made agreements that you don't need to understand. It's sibling stuff...) 

You will let this child do things you never dreamed of letting your eldest do. There will be times when you wish you could imprint gratitude onto the heart of your youngest for the eldest that paved your way. In time, you will. And he will know. 

You won't sleep for three full nights after this birth. (Let him go to the nursery so you can get some sleep... even if you call back for him in thirty minutes.) And when your loved ones tell you to rest, listen... even though I know you're just going to lay in bed listening from the next room. 

Go easy on yourself for not knowing what you think you should. We're all new here... to this time, to this place, to this uncharted territory. It's ok to ask for directions. 

Trust in the love you've built. You will find your way. Everything is going to be just fine...

Just you wait...

All my love,

Older You